This isn't working

It's pretty bad when you just sit around visiting and you're still in pain. I was so excited because the past 2 nights I made it to the gym for a brief workout. I don't know if that over did it or what. But, I've been achy all day long.

I had to put lidocaine on both knees in hopes that it would help me a little. It stinks.

I'm hoping I can get through my sister's wedding in 20 days. If I can make the walk down the aisle, that'll be enough for me.

And, this is before physical therapy even begins. That's next Wednesday. I'm so glad that's before vacation week because I'm going to die. If 30 minutes of upper body contributes to this much pain, how is physical therapy on my knee going to make me feel?

I had such a nice day today, too. My honey and I went to my parents. My sister and her pup came over and our cousins we hadn't seen in ages. My dad made an amazing dinner and we enjoyed a nice, cool September afternoon together. But, I'm still in pain. I'm tired of it. Tired of hurting. Tired of hobbling like a 184 year old woman. Tired of being exhausted from all the pain!

I'm giving this stupid cortisone shot until the Monday after my sister's wedding. If I'm still feeling like shit, I'm calling that damn doctor and saying try something else. And, see what we can do for the other knee, too. Because the left isn't far behind the right.

Anyway, needed to vent a little. Hope everyone has a great night.

First Workout After Cortisone Shot

So, one thing that got to me on Tuesday, as if sticking a giant needle in my knee wasn't bad enough, was the doctor giving me a nice long lecture about my weight and how every pound extra causes 7 pounds of pressure on your body and that's probably a huge part of my problem.

What I couldn't say to him was that I had lost about 15 pounds between March and July because I was going to the gym at least once a week. But, when this severe pain began, I couldn't walk so I couldn't go to the gym and guess what? I gained it all back. So, since this cortisone, so far, seems to be helping, I went back to the gym today. I brought my clothes with me to go right after work and did some upper body and ab work. I lasted about 25 minutes before my knee started to throb. Although, since it's been almost 6 weeks since I've done any regular exercise, I take that as a pretty good start.

So, tomorrow I work until 8:00 and I'm going to try again. Sunday I have the day off and my fiancé and I are going to visit my parents. My cousins are coming over and so is my friend, Kate, because she's going to dog sit for my sister's wedding. My mom wants her to meet the pups at least once before the day. And, since that day is 22 days away, we have to get on that.

I plan on going to the gym on Monday and Wednesday and Friday, too, as well as the pool on Tuesday because I'm off a lot earlier. Since my rec center also has a weight room, I might take my iPod and do that first and then use the pool as a cool off time. Thursday I'm planning on some much needed best friend time.

Saturday we're doing some sort of combined Bachelor/Bachelorette party with my sister's friends so that will be fun.

Nice thing is, I work 1 full week and then 2 or 3 days and I have over a week and a half off! Vacation time! And, by vacation time, I mean running around like a crazy person time helping with last minute prep for above mentioned wedding.

I hope this shot lasts me through the wedding stuff because I would like to get on the dance floor a little. Although, I know I'll be lying in bed the next day crying, "Everything f***ing hurts! Whyyyy does everything f***ing hurt?" Something that will NOT happen in 2017.

Okay, I have to get back to book writing. Just wanted to do an update on this whole "Not getting surgery" stuff.

Back from the doctor

Okay, here is the long awaited update.

The doctor said he doesn't want to jump into surgery just yet. Because of my age. Which I'm not thrilled with. I know I'll be back for another surgery but hopefully in 20-30 years. But, I figured I'd try his methods for a while and see if it actually helps.

So, he did a cortisone shot today. I hate needles. So, I was not thrilled. It hurt like hell. But, ideally, it should work for a few weeks. That will, at least, get me through my sister's wedding in 25 days.

Along with the cortisone treatments, I'm being sent for physical therapy. And I'll be hitting the pool at every chance I get. Hoping that weight loss will help ease the strain on my poor knees.

If the cortisone doesn't work, he'll do the gel injections. Kind of an artificial cartilage. That should work for a few months as opposed to weeks. Again, ideally. But, this whole thing has been far from ideal so we'll see.

If all that fails, THEN we do surgery.

I'm not looking for to the long process of "Try and see." But, I'll go with it for a whole. He said that people have responded to these treatments combined with diet and exercise and ended up going years before needing surgery.

I'm thawing out some chicken for dinner. My biggest thing is cutting the fast food. I need to print out a bunch of recipes and plan meals so I don't have the salt and junk.

I may try and go for a swim later. I'll see how bad it is when this numbing agent wears off.

It's a good thing my manager has been so sweet. She has been giving me short shifts while I go through this. If the cortisone helps, maybe I can ask her to add a few more hours on.

I'm in for a long road. But, I'll do whatever it takes to make this stop. Even if it means getting needles in my knee. *shudder* I'm so glad my honey went with me. He held my hand during the whole thing. I lay down on the table and instantly started shaking. I kept tensing up which just made it hurt more and I was squeezing my honey's hand until I was afraid I was going to break his fingers.

Mom went with us, too. She asked a lot of questions. And was a big help because she was nice enough to drive.

Well, I guess that's all I have to say about this for now.

I'm going to get some writing done, hopefully, and enjoy my day off.

Have a great day!

Quick post at work

I'm dying. So dying! We're short handed because call offs coincide with holiday weekends. So, I'd feel bad if I asked to bail but I don't know how much longer I can make it. Even my hands hurt today!

Back to Work Today

Well, here we go. Vacation is over. I was doing pretty well while I was off. It's amazing how much it doesn't hurt when you're not on your feet for 5-8 hours a day. But, I haven't reached best seller status yet with my book or received enough on Patreon so I can quit my job. So, I have to wrap up my knee, say a prayer, and stick it out. I applied for FMLA but they're taking their sweet time getting back to me on it. At least, they haven't updated it online. So, I have to call before I leave today so I don't get in trouble if I have to bail out at any point this week. It sucks and I don't need to shorten my check but sometimes the pain becomes too much. As long as I make it past the halfway mark, I won't get into trouble. But, FMLA will help guarantee, especially if I have to call off completely.

The closer it gets to my appointment with the surgeon, the more nervous I get. (I also have to ask off for that day because it's not on my set day off) I don't know if he'll want me to continue working or if I should take time off to take it easy and not cause any more damage. I want to get this done as soon as possible but I still want to be able to go to my sister's wedding. I may have to hobble in on a cane. Or, limp down the aisle and then pull out the cane for the reception. But, dangit, I'll be there.

My fiancé and I met up with my sister on Sunday to take our engagement pictures. I wore this really pretty maxi dress so I could hide the wrap on my knee. And, I did okay for a while. We only walked around for an hour and my sister let me take breaks or we took pictures where one or both of us were sitting. But, after that hour or so, I was clinging to Joe like he was a human crutch. My knee was throbbing. And, to add to it, just as we finished, it started to pour. Joe and my sis ran to the car while I just took my time. I was getting sweaty and hot anyway and I wasn't going to hurt myself further by trying to run. So, I just continued to walk at my pace and enjoyed the rain because it was cool and refreshing. And, it didn't last so by the time we got to my sister's apartment and my car, we were able to drive home.

I have to get a list of things to take with me to the hospital. And, have something ready in case I have to stay somewhere for rehab. My dad thinks they'll send me to a nursing home for a few weeks. I'm going to need to bring books to read, along with my own manuscript, and by wedding planning binder. I'm going to go absolutely stir crazy, I'm sure. Since it's my right knee, I really won't be able to drive. For possibly months. MONTHS! MONTHS! I'm going to go bonkers! I'm going to try and make a list of work to do, like editing my manuscript or narrowing down the ridiculous number of Pins on my wedding Pinterest account and figuring out what I want and what's realistic and can actually be pulled off for next year. Joe's mom is really sweet and offered to help me with laundry and stuff.

I have to try and get some work done on my book before heading to the other work. And, I desperately need a drink because I think I inhaled some dust and can't stop coughing. Blegh!

I'll have another update soon. I'm really trying to keep up with this blog, especially with all this going on now.

Have a great day and remember to take it one day at a time. We can get through whatever RA throws at us. Especially if we who deal with it band together and support each other. It helps get rid of that "I'm the only one dealing with this" feeling that can pull you into a hole.

Bye!
Carey

Knee Troubles and other updates

Wow, I have been sadly neglecting this blog. I'm sorry. So much has been going on. I just forget. I'm human. *shrug*

So, anyway, nearly a month ago I started having some ridiculous right knee pain. Like absolute agony. Could hardly get through work. It was awful. Managed to get in to see my primary doctor and then my Rheumatologist. Got sent for x-rays and made an appointment with an orthopedic specialist. I go tomorrow. My primary suspects I may have a torn meniscus. On top of fluid on my knee and having hardly any cartilage left, probably in either knee. Greeat. :-( Just what every 32 years old wants to hear! I hate this disease.

So, my dear fiancé is going with me tomorrow. He thinks they'll recommend full on knee replacement. I don't think so, because of my age. They may investigate the meniscus and see if they need to fix that. Probably drain the fluid off my knee. Cortisone shots are a possibility. But, we really have to see what happens tomorrow and go from there.

I was also told I need to see a high risk OBGYN. Since I'm now engaged, Joe and I are planning our lives post marriage. This includes babies. However, I'm going to be at least 33. Between that, my RA, and history of blood clot, pregnancy is going to be difficult. So, I need someone to guide me through the process so nothing happens.

I'll update after the appointment and let you all know what the doctor says. In the meantime, I'm going to try and enjoy my vacation as much as I can. A whole week of not standing on my feet in pain. If this gets fixed, I may be able to go out and play Pokémon GO!

Hope you all have a great day.
Carey

30 Day Challenge Day 8

Day 8- Where do you see yourself in 5 years time?

That's 2021 so I'll be... oh, God! I'll almost be 37?! Yeesh! I'll be married with 2 babies. And, I'm praying every day that this condition doesn't afflict them or their children. I'm not sure if it's hereditary or if it's random. And, if they do get it, then they're older like I was. I don't know if I can deal with them having it young.

30 Day Challenge Day 7

Day 7- What was the biggest realization you have had?

I'm not alone in this battle. When I first got this diagnosis, I felt like I was alone. I was the only one my age with this disease and feeling old before my time. Then, I joined a few groups on Facebook and got in contact with people going through similar struggles. My best friend was diagnosed with a different form so now we fight together.

30 Day Challenge

Day 6- If you could have told yourself something when you first remember these symptoms arising, what would you have said?

It's going to be a hard road. You'll be scared and depressed. But, don't let that stop you. You'll dance at your sister's wedding and your own. Just keep some pain killers on hand for the next day. Because you won't want to get out of bed. You can still travel and go to Cedar Point. You can work out and walk with friends. You'll just have to rest more afterward. It is possible to live life. And your friends and family will be cheering you on.

30 Day Challenge Day 5

Day 5- How does being chronically ill make you feel?

Honestly? It sucks! I'm almost 32 and I can't do a lot of things a healthy person should do. I dread getting pregnant someday. Not only because RA will make it even more uncomfortable than it already is but I have a fear I'll be passing this on to my children. If I didn't have such a great support group of my friends and family and my sweetie, I don't think I'd be able to deal.

30 Day Challenge Day 4

Day 4- How have your friends and family reacted to it?

I've been lucky. Most of my family and my friends have been really supportive. I hear so many stories from people on the support groups about spouses that won't touch them and siblings that get mad and think they're making up what they go through. And, my heart just goes out to them.

I think part of it is because I struggle with that fake "I'm okay" mask. And, they can tell it's an act because I've done that my whole life. I could be pushing myself to near exhaustion with school, work, whatever else I'm involved in, but I still put on that smile and say I'm fine until I actually fall over on my face. It's that stubbornness that runs in my family. I can't help it. It's in my blood.

Only people I've had issue with has been people at work. Well... a person at work more recently. There have been a few bosses that wouldn't take me seriously. Would wonder why I wanted to go home early but they just shook their heads and let me. One person wouldn't shut her mouth. Ever know someone who was a passive aggressive bitch? That's her. Usually, you see these people in high school so that fact that she's an adult is just sad. She'll make comments to other people just within earshot of me. And, yes, I take it to heart. Because she does it to other people, too. She's always got this snarky tone in her voice and, I guess people think that's how she is and just how she talks. But, when directed a certain way, it's crosses the line from joking to mean.

I've told my boss about it and she claims to have spoken to this woman so we'll see. But, I can't complain too much if she's my only visible issue, I guess.

30 Day Challenge- Day 3

Day 3- How Did You Get Your Diagnosis?

My doctor? :)

I was having trouble with an old injury that wasn't healing properly. I was going to an orthopedic doctor and wasn't getting any relief. So, they sent me to a rheumatologist. After many, many blood tests, they confirmed I have psero-negative (sp?) RA, which means it doesn't show up in blood tests.

30 Day Challenge Day 2

Day 2- "How has your illness affected your life?"

I get through. Yeah, there are days when I want to curl up in a ball and cry in bed all day. Or, just cut my legs off at the knee... But, it's starting to slowly attack my hands and wrists, too. And, I can't cut those off because I'm a writer and need my hands to do that work. It's a struggle some days to get out of bed. Even to go across the hall to the bathroom some nights when my foot hurts.

I do have to take many things into consideration, though. I definitely have it better than some. That doesn't stop me from crying myself to sleep some nights. You can only be strong for so long before you have to break down. I also know I'm not alone in this battle. Along with my friends and family who know my struggle, I am on several Facebook support groups. Many people are my age, so I don't feel like I'm the only 31 year old woman who feels like she's 301.

Work is the biggest struggle. I'm on my feet all day and I come home exhausted. I had a time where I'd come home with the intent to write but I just go to sleep. So, I'm trying to get up before work so I can write/edit/film/whatever. I'm not a morning person so it's not easy but my guy helps motivate me and makes coffee so that helps.

As I keep saying, you just have to take these things one day at a time. There will never be that old sense of "normal" ever again. So you have to find a new normal. Some days will be okay, some days you cry yourself to sleep. Make the best of what you have and it helps a lot.

30 Day Prompt Challenge 1

I found this prompt list on Pinterest and decided to try it just to keep me writing in this blog. I might not post every day but I will get through all the prompts. I can tell some of these will be pretty brief entries.

Day 1- "Introduce yourself. What illnesses do you have? How long have you had them?"

Hi,
For those just discovering this blog, I'm Carey. I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis when I was about 26. I probably had it longer because I started having issues at about 23 or 24.

I also have an under active thyroid. I don't think that's considered a chronic illness but it is a pain in the rear because it makes it hard to lose weight. That started when I was 13 or 14. So, my struggle with my weight and slower metabolism increases the load on my poor arthritic knees. But, I still drag myself out of bed each day and keep going.

Feeling Better

I'm feeling so much better! The weather has improved. It's warmer and dryer and it feels so good! It's just after 7:30 and I'm sitting in the office with the window open listening to birds. It's beautiful!

Today, I'm going to work out with my best friend and we're going to hang out for a while. Then, I'm going to have dinner with an old friend. I'm going to try and get some editing done but I've been distracted by a recently discovered writing channel on YouTube and got a random urge to want to color yesterday. (I have a fairy tale coloring book so I set up my camera and started to record coloring a page I tore out. It's actually kinda fun. Maybe it'll be a new segment on my own YouTube page)

I've found that when I'm feeling tired and hurting, herbal tea is really soothing. It may not make the pain go away, but it's nice to sit at my computer or stretch out on the couch with a big mug and let the stress of the day fall away. I have a variety pack with a bunch of flavors and I'm really enjoying them.

Anyway, going to attempt to get some work done before I have to leave. Seeing as I'll be gone most of the day. Bye!

RA can go suck it

I cannot begin to explain the agony I've been in since Friday. My right ankle has been throbbing and swollen. I could not sleep last night. I can hardly put weight on my foot. I actually caved and went to buy a cane at the local drugstore just so I can get up in the middle of the night or when I've been at my computer for a long period of time. (Writing, returning emails, etc)

Last night, I had to do this strange little scoot with my better foot so I could keep weight off my hurting one. I came close to crying out and actually woke up my boyfriend. I felt bad because it was about 3 in the morning and he gets up around 4 to get stuff ready for work.

The weather has been a big factor. It's been cold, even some snow. And, today, even though it warmed up a little, it's damp and raining. So, today was the worst. Now, the Chinese food I had for dinner with my dad is certainly going to make this worse. But, I am going to make myself a giant mug of tea, prop my foot on a pile of pillows, and spend the evening on the bed. I have my newly printed manuscript waiting to be edited and it's Dancing with the Stars night!

So, I guess, despite the pain, not a bad way to spend a Monday night.

I just hope I can make it through the rest of the week. I have 34 days until my first vacation week.

I'm just sick and tired of being sick and tired! Joe asked me yesterday what will happen when I get pregnant eventually? I will have to ask my doctor about that someday soon, as we're talking about a wedding in 2017 and, likely, babies shortly after. All the more reason to work on my writing so I can quit my day job. Maybe, if I'm not on my feet all day, it'll help me feel better. *shrug*

Anyway, I better go make that tea.

Have a good night,
Carey

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Soda Pop Update and Working Out

So... I almost made it through Lent with no pop... Until I had 2 consecutive shifts where I had to work until 1 a.m. Then I needed Mountain Dew like my life depended on it and swigged 4 20 oz. bottles in 2 days time. Not exactly the best thing for me and I still passed out as soon as I got home. But, I was awake enough to drive home late at night and that's all that mattered.

Also, it's been about a month since I joined another gym to try and work out on a somewhat regular basis. The pool at my rec center was broke for a while so I joined Planet Fitness. My friend had been trying to convince me for months so I finally did it. And, once a week, we meet at a location in between where we live. (She lives in Sandusky, I live near Cleveland) We spend about 2 hours doing cardio and weights. She and I both have auto-immune forms of arthritis so we're both trying to strengthen our bodies and drop pounds and try and get healthier. I know she has 3 beautiful reasons to do this, her daughter and 2 adorable boys, all under the age of 10. We both want to live long, happy lives and be with our families until we're crazy, old, and (possibly) senile. So, we've been trying to work really hard.

In other news, I published my book! I will link my author page on Amazon here so you can check out my book in paperback and Kindle, as well as 2 Kindle short stories.

I need to work on updating my blogs more often.
I'll post again soon!
Carey

No More Soda Pop

I've done this before and lasted about a month. I'm trying again with giving up soda pop. (In Ohio, we just call it pop) I am a cherry Pepsi addict. It's ridiculous. I would drink sometimes 2-3 20 oz bottles a day. So, since Wednesday began Lent, I figured this was a good time to start again. This is day 3 and so far I'm doing okay.

I've been finding other things to drink. There's coffee in the Keurig to keep off the caffeine withdrawal headaches. Fortunately, my roommates also like the occasional chocolate milk so I picked up a gallon of that. There is also this sparkling flavored water that I love called Ice. It doesn't have any sugar and no artificial sweeteners so when I want something sweet and fizzy I drink that. It's only good when it's really cold.

I think this will help me a lot. I gained those 9 lbs back already that I had lost. The pop wasn't helping that, I know. My goal is to give it up beyond Lent and see how well I do. I'm hoping this will help me lose the weight I need to feel better and maybe get my RA into remission. I take my medicine and I try to eat right but it's not enough. I'm going to my doctor next week and I know she'll approve of what I'm doing.

It'll take time to reflect on the scale. It's sad how it is nothing to gain weight but it takes forever to lose it. I'll keep you all posted on my progress and let you know what my doctor say next week! I'm off to get ready for my date with my boyfriend. We're going to go see Pride, Prejudice and Zombies tonight. Happy Valentine's Day! :)

Swimming and RA

I got a rec center pass and started swimming whenever I can. I've gone 3 times already. Once before work and I was so sore! I only was in the pool for about 30 minutes but then I worked 8 hours. And I hadn't been to the pool for 2 years so I was feeling it. Then, Wednesday and Friday I went after work. Thought of going today but I need to stay home and get some writing and laundry done. I work late tomorrow so I want to rest up.

I'll gradually increase the amount of time I spend in the pool. I'm starting out with 20/30 minutes, depending on how tired I am. Especially after work. I get so tried that the laps wear me out quickly. My rec center also has limited pool hours right now. So, any water aerobics classes are out of the question right now until they get a full staff to run those classes.

Also, I dug out my scale and am starting to weigh myself regularly. I won't give numbers but I will say if I've lost or gained. For the longest time, I seemed to have plateaued. I couldn't get under this one number. But, then, after not touching the scale for months, I weighed myself Thursday and I'm down 9 lbs! So happy about this! It's my goal to get down one size before my sister's wedding in October. So, I have 8 months. And then another size by my birthday the following year. And then I can dance the night away and not lay in bed the next day crying from pain.

I plan to go nearly every day this week, either before work or after depending on my schedule. And Thursday is weigh-in day #2!

No Enbrel, Stupid Cold

So, last week I went to a football game. Woke up Monday morning with no voice and a cough. It developed into a head cold I've been fighting ever since. But, because of that, I was unable to take my Enbrel last Thursday. My doctor told me when I'm sick I shouldn't take it because my immune system is already weakened and it could make it harder to recover.

This made working Monday and Tuesday extremely difficult. I barely made it Monday and my knee was killing me. I made it Tuesday until the final hour and I asked my supervisor if I could bail. All things considered, though, I think I did pretty good. I'm trying really hard to stick out my hours because this time of year is always cut back so you have to take what you can get. And, ComicCon next month!!

My boyfriend and I are planning to go to Cleveland ComicCon at the end of February. That will involve a ridiculous amount of walking and money being spent but it will be so much fun and worth it. Especially if I get to see my favorite actor and be a ridiculous fangirl. Because, why not, right? ^_^

I have today and tomorrow off so I'm trying to get some things done around the house in spurts. Tomorrow I can take my shot! Thank God! Because Friday and Saturday I have 8 hour days and those are the hardest to get through. I just have to keep thinking of my end goal and it'll motivate me through.

Late Night, Can't Sleep. Big Surprise

I got off work about an hour ago. I did some grocery shopping so I can test out my new crockpot on Saturday. But, my mind is just too active so I'm writing and catching up on YouTube because I have not been on there in over a week. My subscription list has racked up a bit.

I hate late night shifts. I mean, sleeping in is nice... when I can sleep or when I don't have ten truckloads of laundry to do. But, it's instances like this when I come home and am either in pain or my brain is too active for me to relax.

I'll have to see how I feel tomorrow but I will say I do not feel as bad as I did this time last week. My doctor put me back on Mobic which is sort of a prescription strength Aleve. I was on it for a long time before but had to go off it last summer when I had a blood cot because it would increase the effects of the blood thinners. I had some majorly bad flares at the end of October and my doctor put me back on it. I will admit, I don't always remember to take it and it has an impact. That was my problem last week. So, I remembered it this week and it's helping me so much.

I'm so excited, though! I got a crockpot for Christmas and I am going to be testing it out this weekend. No more salty pasta sides for dinner! Actual food! I spent both my breaks on my phone on Pinterest looking up recipes and writing them down in a notebook. As I do, I modify them a bit. Like, one recipe called for garlic salt and I said, "Nope. Salt equals bad for RA." So, I changed it to just garlic powder. Anything with tomato sauce or any kind of broth I mark down "no salt added" sauce or "unsalted." I know sugar is bad for RA as well but the salt is something I really need to work on because it's my go to. Quick food is salty, whether it's fast food or pasta sides. And I have such a crazy schedule with work so I grab quick food. Yay goals for 2016!

I'm going to finish the video I'm watching and going to bed. Gotta get up early in the morning and do more laundry and maybe attempt some writing.

Merry Christmas!

Hi, everyone and Merry Christmas!

I thought today would be a good day for an intro to my newest blog since I have a lot to talk about in this first post and I happen to be home for a few more hours before beginning all my holiday fun.

My name is Carey. I am a writer. I am 31 years old. I live in Ohio with my boyfriend and his brother. My day job until my writing takes off is currently a grocery store cashier. And, I have rheumatoid arthritis.

Now, some may see my age and then see the word arthritis and think, "That's not possible. She's too young to have that." Yeah, well, fun fact. RA is an autoimmune condition that attacks your joints. For many people it's in the hands and toes. Maybe the back. Mine is heavily concentrated in my knees and right ankle which makes standing all day at work oh so much fun! (/sarcasm)

In this blog series, I will try to talk about everything. Good days as well as bad. Not so much to whine but to get things off my chest and, hopefully, share my experiences with other people with this condition and show them that it is possible to have a sort of normal life. Changes have to be made and it's a struggle to make them but it's not impossible and you can do it! I will start with the bad but it gets better, though. :)

Last night was awful. I had to work til 1 in the morning. Day before Christmas Eve so the store was insanely busy. The staying up part was hard enough. I'm normally in bed by 11. I may not always sleep then. Sometimes I stay up and read with my little lamp so I don't wake my boyfriend but I'm usually in my jammies and tucked in bed relaxing by 11:00. I had some Mountain Dew which helped. Doesn't help the pain, though. Excessive sugar and salt is very bad for inflammation and I paid for it later. But, the work itself was not bad. Most people were in a good mood considering how busy it was and this crazy time of year. I was able to joke and laugh with people and that made the time go by easier. I was able to focus on my work and not how tired and achy I was becoming.

When 1:00 finally arrived, I punched out, said good bye to the closing girl and limped to my car. I still wasn't in terrible amounts of pain. I mean, it hurt and I was stiff as all heck. But, I've felt worse. I drove home with the radio blaring and singing along with Christmas music on the local pop station. Got home, dragged my bum into the house and then the trouble started.

I wear compression stockings most days. Especially 8 hour days. I should have been wearing them long before but I was told to last summer (2014) after I had a blood clot in my leg. As soon as they came off, my ankle blew up like a balloon and I just wanted to cry. I took a muscle relaxer but it took forever to kick in. I wrote in my journal for a while and then tried to read for a while. My body was exhausted but the pain would not let me relax.

The thing about some people with RA is we put on a mask. So many people don't understand this condition and we get tired of feeling like we have to explain ourselves. So, we put on the happy face and push through it. We fake the happy. And so all the frustration builds and builds until you can't keep it in anymore. So, then you break down. I try not to make it in front of people. Even people I love. I'm embarrassed I have to feel like this. And, I hate to see the pity in people's faces. It just makes me all the more stubborn to keep it in. Last night was one of those nights I couldn't keep it anymore. My boyfriend was snoring so I let myself sob. And sob. And sob. I don't know how long I cried but I eventually wore myself out. And, just as I was about to fall asleep, I felt him put his arms around me. I let the last of my tears slip silently away as I drifted into a fitful sleep. His alarm went off shortly after. (He has a half day today) After he got up, I kind of took over the whole bed and slept for almost 6 hours. I'm still kind of dopey. But, I blame the muscle relaxer for that. I feel out of it the next day after taking one of those.

I have been up for about 2 hours now. Pain levels way down. I took one of my medicines today and I have to take my Enbrel injection probably before we go out for the afternoon or I'll forget. I had been thinking of starting a blog about my experience with this condition for a while but never actually had the time to sit down and start it. So, here I am.

I am not going to let this condition ruin my holiday. I have 4 days off which will be fantastic and very helpful. I won't be resting much. I'll be running around like crazy with visiting and Church. But, as long as I watch what I eat and make sure I don't park my rear all day long, I will be okay when I return to work for the New Years craziness.

Like I said, excessive salty and sugary foods aggravate inflammation. And there will be no shortage of sugar for the holidays. Christmas cookies!! ^_^ But, my mom was all excited when she told me she found a low sodium ham for Christmas Eve dinner. My dad has to be low salt because of his heart so we're all working on it.

I have 2 big things I need to work on in the coming year. Getting serious about cutting the salt. I'm getting a crock pot for Christmas (don't tell anyone I know) so I've been looking up recipes and buying low salt and salt free spices and seasonings. My other thing is cutting the soda pop. I tried a ban with a girl at work that lasted about a month. We're going to try again for Lent in February and hopefully I'll be able to stick to it. This will help me drop some weight as well because being overweight does not help this condition. It's hard to lose it. When you're in pain, you don't exactly want to hit the gym every day. Going for a walk around the block can be a struggle. But, if I start by cutting the pop and the heavily salty foods, that will at least cut the inflammation and pain in my body so I can move more and then I can start to work out more. I am in my sister's wedding in October. I want to fit in a nice dress and I want to be able to dance the night away. Soon after that (I hope) I may be getting married. I don't want to be hurting on my wedding day. I want to party! I want to look amazing in a dress and make Joe's jaw drop when I walk down the aisle. I want to be able to have a fun honeymoon and chase after children. All big motivators.

There is no cure for RA. Remission is possible, though. It's not easy. I've been struggling for about 5 1/2 years now and I've had it!

I hope you'll follow me on this journey. And, if you're going through similar experiences, you will see that there are people who are trying to make life work. You are not alone. What also helped me was looking at groups on Facebook. Having other people to encourage and vent to helps when you don't feel you can talk to your family and friends.

I have to get ready for my day. Have a very Merry Christmas and I will write again soon.

Stay strong!
Carey